Friday, May 4, 2018

It all started on a Friday, one of the coldest nights in the year. The next 36 hours would be a blur of emotions.

Here I was, 40 weeks and 6 days pregnant, the day of my induction. My little squishy apparently had no plans of joining us anytime time soon. I had 3 sweeps done, and I had not even dropped. So early afternoon I had a gel inserted to help jump start his evacuation...his rent had come due, haha. The whole induction process went well. We were told to go home, relax, and come back about 6 hours later so they could see if I had started to dilate or if they would have to repeat the process with the gel.

When we got home, we had some dinner and I felt some mild cramping but nothing I had not already been feeling for about 20 weeks, so I decided to go and take a nap. Well, I could not sleep for the life of me. I was way to pumped to meet my little man. A few hours after my induction I started to feel tightening, so exciting! My hubby and I started to time my contractions, and about an hour before we went to the hospital my contractions were about 5 minutes apart...go time!

At this point I am not going to lie...I started to feel sick with nervousness. I knew I was having a baby for 9 months, but when I knew I would be meeting my little squish any time, it all become very real. Even though I was having contractions I was worried that I would not be dilated enough and they would send me home...I was expecting that to be honest. Well, the doctor checked me out and all I remember hearing is "2 cm...lets break this water". I was shocked, and ecstatic. Finally! It was all happening. When she unpacked what I could only describe as a GIANT crochet hook I got nervous. That was painless really, and was over quickly. We were told I could walk around to try and jump start the dilation process, so we walked. I could only do a few laps of the ward because my contractions came on HARD. It is hard to describe the pain. It pretty much felt like the little bowling ball I was carrying was trying to fall out. After a few hours my doctor gave me morphine for the pain because I could not et my epidural for a little while yet. At that time I felt like Morphine was a big lie. I was still in pain, I was just slurring my words.

Epidural came around, which was a BREEZE. It did not hurt me at all, but it took a long time to kick in, and later come to find out the baby was in a position which can cause extreme back labour. Eventually the pain went away...thank the lord for epidurals. It is about 10pm and was told just get some sleep....right. I tried, did not happen. They came in to check me periodically and I was making progress. 8 am rolls around after a long sleepless night. I was nauseous and throwing up due to the pain medication, and then they tell me that I was stuck at 6cm. I had been at 6 since 4 am and had not progressed further. They told me that they could let me keep laboring, but baby was starting to get a bit of a cone head trying to come down, and I started to get a mild fever, so it was in my best interest to get a C-section. I was devastated.

Logically I knew it was okay, it happens, but I felt in that moment that my body had failed me. We had trouble to get pregnant, and now my body can not even push out a baby. Why was my body fighting me constantly? I felt like I could not do what came naturally to everyone else. In that moment I felt scared and alone, even surrounded by people. They told me they were booking the O.R and that my hubby could come in once I was prepped. No time at all they were wheeling me down, not even 2 hours later. The whole process was very quick. I remember feeling so scared and cold as they took me in the operating room. The room was bright, sterile and cold. They started the spinal block and poked me and said "can you feel this" and I said no...until the last time they asked me. I felt them poke me with something shard on the left side of my belly. We waited a few more minutes and they check again...I could still feel it. They then said this sometimes happens and they were putting me under general anesthetic, so I would be asleep. ASLEEP for  the birth of my child! I asked if my husband would still be able to come in, and they said no. I broke down into tears. Not only had my body robbed me of being able to witness my child being born, my body robbed the chance from my husband too, that made me feel terrible. The nurses tried to be comforting, but nothing made me feel better, I just wanted my husband and my baby. They told me to count back from 100...I made it to 98.

I woke up in recovery. I opened my eyes, confused, I completely forgot for a moment where I was and why I was there...Then I heard a cry. Its hard to explain that moment when you first hear your baby cry. By the time I woke up, the baby had already been check over, had his tests and ate. I missed it all. I cried. Of course I was so happy and thankful our baby boy was here and healthy, but I felt robbed. I always dreamed of the moment you delivery your baby and they put them on your chest and they are one of the first people they see. That did not happen for me. I missed the first few hours of his life. I was never going to get that back. In that moment I felt like a terrible mom. It still plagues me to this day.

The rest of the time at the hospital was standard. I was not in too much pain thanks to trusty old painkillers. When we got home though, I needed lots of help due to the caesarian. I could barely lift my baby, I couldn't even walk standing up right. It was all very emotional. I felt like a horrible mom, and was worried he would resent me.

Eventually I came to realize, he does not know what happened. I came to realize I tried! I tried to stick to my birth plan, but I couldn't. I tried to do everything for him when we came home, but I couldn't. That's okay! As mothers, we are so quick to judge and shame other moms. "Oh well I gave birth with no meds" or "I was able to push out the baby", or even "I was able to breastfeed exclusively for a year". Who are we to judge what works and what doesn't work for another mom. We are still moms! No matter how you gave birth you are a mom. You expelled that child from your body...good for you! C-sections are not easy and recovery is usually a lot worse than having your baby naturally. My point is, try not to doubt yourself, and don't beat yourself up. You cannot control everything, believe me, I tried. All that matters in the end is that you have your happy healthy baby in your arms. Cherish it.


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